December 11 2015
Have you ever been in a crowded store and just felt so alone? I guess I never knew what loneliness was. I talked and talked to people at the garage sale. I couldn’t remember five minutes later what was said. I feel like that Burger King guy on the commercial with the plastic face. Plastic face. Keeping busy has helped, but the Christmas music that I love is killing me. It’s like a stabbing pain after a sweet kiss. I love the music – like a sweet kiss (like your sweet kisses) and then a certain phrase will jump at me – and here comes the incredible pain. In all honesty, I am still trying to grasp the concept that you are not returning home. It is just unreal to me. I keep thinking you will call from the hospital to say “goodnight” like you always did. But the call never comes and it never will. Not ever again. To say that my heart is broken is an understatement in the highest. I just have no other word. I don’t think another word has been invented.
You would have smiled today watching Abby walking in a big circle quietly singing “jingle bells” and “let it go”. Sweet tiny clear little voice. I can see the smile on your face now.
I love you. I miss you so so much. I so wish you could come back to me.