being me

I have come to realize, over the past 147 days,  (I began writing this a few days ago!) that I have never been just me.

I don’t really know how to be just me.  I have been part of we since I was a teenager.

We.  Us.  Our.

How do I make the transition to me and mine when I don’t even know this I person.  I am whom I am because I met you – married you – love you. I don’t know how to be me without you.  And I really don’t like this me life.  Shopping and cooking for one.  Watching our favorite shows alone.

You were my partner in everything.  You were my biggest cheerleader.  You spurred me on.  We thought the same thoughts.  We laughed at the same places in the movie.  We knew what each of us was thinking and what we were going to say.  How many times did I have a song in my head and suddenly, you began singing that song?  You knew what made me happy or sad.  You knew how to make me smile and how to make me blush.

You knew me.  I miss that.

I miss you.

I miss us.

Now it’s just me.  I am going to Virginia this week.  Marluce is having her First Communion and Connor is having his 2nd Birthday and these beautiful grandbabies deserve to be celebrated.  And so they will.  I will hug our oldest grandson and another granddaughter – both whom we were denied a relationship.  No more.  I have a determination in my gut because of you.  I want some of that grit you always had, and I believe it may be coming to the surface.  What was it that you always said?  What are they going to do?  They can’t take away your birthday.  

I have traveled alone many times before; but I have always returned to you.  This time will be different.  I will get on the plane and be careful not to listen to music lest something plays that triggers a memory and forces the tears to fall.  When they begin, they are unstoppable and the poor passenger next to me certainly doesn’t deserve that.  He wouldn’t understand.  Or, perhaps she would.  I’m not going to find out.

And so, this is me – being me.

Deep breath.  I can do this.

at least that is what everyone says.

omnia paratus