damn you, Hallmark channel

You are well aware that I am a sap for the Hallmark shows – especially the holiday movies. But is it possible to have holiday joy mixed with the missing you and wanting you with me pain? It must be. For the fourth year now, that will be my ups and downs. What is that old saying about the rose and the thorn? i detest that saying.

This time of year makes me realize all the more that I am not ever going to be one of those stoic and graceful widows. (Another word I detest.) no. I am facing widowhood everyday with memories and anger and sadness and yes, the joy from those memories. if that is possible.

I was thrown into this “new” life kicking and screaming. I don’t see that changing any time soon. or ever. Writing letters to you keeps me from throwing things and being filled with anger when I see two strangers holding hands. sometimes.

Missing you more every day. And really hating being without you. yes, I said it. the H word. Not sorry.