Trust & Fear

 
Such complex issues and I imagine very different for every person and every family – based on experiences.  A horrific event in a family can turn one against another, spur arguments and change close relationship that you never imagined could change.  It is a sad thing when this happens; and believe me, it does happen.  I know this from personal experience.
 
Fear has a way of overshadowing trust.  Trust becomes another victim.  I am trying to realize that I have to learn from the past and be cautious, but I also must realize and reaffirm to myself, I cannot be fearful and allow my trust to wither away.  Trust is a special thing in a family – something that I deserve and something that I have earned.  Be cautious.  Be careful.  But don’t lose trust in me.  You may as well just put me in the box and drop me in a hole.  Without trust you cannot really love and nourish a relationship.  My relationships are worth the effort.
 
I have spent far too much of my 60 years living in fear and worrying “what if” and trying to fix things that I am not equipped to fix and living in a guilt ridden cloud of “why”?  I am working on the fear issue.  I am working on my guilt issues.  And I am really putting effort into my need to fix issue.  I realize I cannot change the past.  I cannot undo things that have been done.  I cannot keep wondering “what if”?  It is not good for me – mentally or physically.  And it is not good for the people I admire and love.  I cannot make people stay in love; it is not my life.  I cannot make the facts of the past fade away; people are responsible for their own actions.  I cannot make someone trust me.  Although I believe it to be a given, I am not in the other person’s mind.  You cannot force fear away – but you can put it on a shelf and not forget the past.  You cannot force trust – but you can slowly realize that most people are good and have good intentions and little by little, that trust will return.
 
I am working on it.  Truly I am.

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